Sometimes I feel like I live to impress others and the fact that it is tiring to shut the normal you and be somebody else, just to fit in. Is that being hypocrite? Do people who have different personalities, all hypocritical? Like you know if you are with this clique and you shdnt do blablabla and be blablabla and if you are with another clique you should be this and not be that? There are many sides to a person and I think I revealed too much of mine to people. It scares me sometimes when my friends would go " Woah I have never seen this side of you Jar" because people would start judging me and honestly, I am afraid to be judged. Judging me is like telling myself that I shouldnt be the way I am just because you dont like it. Sadly I think, most of the time, I am really living to impress others so that they can see me being a part of them. I realised  I want to be part of something/someone desperately these days.

I think I care about what people think of me too much that it messes up my mind sometimes and the next thing I know, I am involved in doing something that I am obviously not comfortable with. Yesterday I was told off by a dear friend to stop being too nice, to stop this giving in shit and be firm. And that if I wasnt comfortable in doing this, I should walked out and leave. But I was caught in between going home feeling relieved but guilty and  not disappointing a bunch of friends who have stayed me with me all this years and thinking that staying the next few hours wont probably do much harm. Yesterday was by far one of the craziest nights I had. And just being there, being a part of everything, I will forever hold on to this humongously enormous pang of guilt in me.

Forgive me for I have really really sinned, Allah. How can anyone not be scared of You, The Almighty?